Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Nerds Unite!

Remember that kid in Junior High? The skinny one with glasses who always had a sci-fi paperback in front of his face. The one everyone picked to have on their science lab team but no one picked for their kickball team. Then when you all got to highschool, he never really learned how to shave his Adam's apple and all the girls he asked to the prom said no, even the 300 pound, cross-eyed one. Well, he's got a new hobby. Politics. AP reporter Seth Borenstein reports that the new craze amongst hard-core scientists is to run for office. Apparently the pale people are sick of the popular people using them to get good grades just like in high school and now they want to take over the decision making. It's like a low-budget remake of "Revenge of the Nerds" - a horror film.

I'm not sure people will be earger to elect a 5 ft 3 in, 115 lb guy who can't get through a speech without his inhaler but Congress could definitely use a lift in the average IQ of its members (the overwhelming majority of whom are lawyers). This is what I predict will happen if more and more scientists are elected to public office:

Our currency will be changed to read, "In Newton We Trust".

You will hear a lot more accusations on CSPAN of someone being a "dark lord of the Sith".

Foreign policy strategy will be determined by a big game of "Risk".

Convicted criminals won't go to prison, but become "volunteers" to the new Department of Advanced Scientific and Medical Research.

The term filibuster will be changed to PI.

Capitol hill will be referred to as F(x)=-x^2. (think back to Algebra 2. think! think!)

Votes in Congress would now be able to be coerced by wedgies and swirlies.

The Speaker of the House will be referred to as "The Dungeon Master".

Congress will be endorsed by Pearle Vision and Acuvue.

There will be an official government declaration that SuperMan could so totally kick the Green Lantern's butt.

So if we are indeed going to have an "Extreme Make-Over Politics Edition", we'll have to get back into flatter-the-nerds-so-we-can-copy-off-their-papers mode and get ready for a lot of Star Trek analogies on CNN. At least, for these newly elected officials, there's no government equivalent to the senior prom.


The Slackers said...

you guys are funny! Thanks for the laugh. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea? (one who grew up with the star wars mentality):)

Ambie said...

Perfect! Everything one needs to know about government can be learned from Star Wars.

ray said...

I don't think they had a separation of church and state in Star Wars. What does Darth Vader say? "I find your lack of faith disturbing".

I just love how all the villians in70s movies look German, then in the 80s they all look Russian, and in the 90s they all look Arab.