Sunday, April 6, 2008

The "Stacy's Mom" syndrome

You've seen the type at the gym, the mall, or less often, at the grocery store - women who Bernard Goldberg describes as "trying to hang on to their youth at the expense of their dignity". They either have platinum blonde or jet black hair, crispy from over dyeing, skin the quality of dried out leather from over tanning, face like a birthday cake with make-up slathered on an inch thick, and worst of all, they are wearing clothing that looks like it was pilfered from Avril Lavigne's wardrobe. The rock group Fountains of Wayne did the world a horrible disservice by recording the hit song "Stacy's Mom" that gave sagging, middle-aged women the hope that they can somehow still be attractive to the 13 to 18 year-old boy demographic. And the rest of us in the gyms, malls, and grocery stores have to suffer the ugly, and I do mean ugly, consequences of it.

Here's a newflash for these poor, misguided women:
"Forty is NOT the new twenty"
As we age we are supposed to increase in wisdom and dignity. This progression leads us away from the superficial, self-centered priorities of highschool and toward the far-thinking, value-oriented years of adulthood, careers, and parenthood. We are supposed to worry less about our appearances and popularity and more about our character, work-ethic, integrity, and whether we are making a meaningful impact on society and the world around us. I have been slowly losing faith in this universal progression as I read headlines about teachers cavorting with students, see mothers sharing clothes with their teenage daughters, or see crow's feet in the crowd of screaming fans at a Justin Timberlake concert.

So to combat the pollution of scenery caused by the "Stacy's Mom" syndrome, I'd like to offer some guidelines for all women over 30:
1. Do not wear any pants that have writing on the butt.
2. Only dye your hair colors that are found in nature.
3. Don't listen to any music that wins at the MTV music awards.
4. Don't talk in "text".
5. Gravity happens, work on improving the body organs not affected by it (i.e. your brain).
6. I don't care how much Mari Winsor you do, don't wear a thong - ever.

I'm not saying to not try and look your best and improve what you've got, but, like a lot of things in life, like cussing, partying, and wearing blue mascara, some habits are more forgiveable in youth than in age.


Ambie said...

Here here ! However... I would suggest that speaking in text only be allowed in the interest of intentionally harassing and teasing your own teenagers in the privacy of your home for the sole reason that it is the best way to get a teenager to stop speaking in text themselves.

This sudden new wave of soon to be menopausal prepubescent wannabes did not materialize out of thin air either, we can thank the shining examples of so many individuals that have given the false illusion of everlasting teenage- hood such as Cher, Madonna, Demi Moore,and Mary Laterno.

So ladies if your so desperate for the attention of adolescent males ,take out an ad in the high school newsletter, throw a keg party, and spare us the visuals.

ray said...

Okay, so your theory on speaking in text, (which she is guilty of, ladies and gentlemen) is to make it "uncool" by doing it so as to deter your teenagers from doing likewise? So why do you speak it to ME? I'm older than you, dear. Maybe I could say the same thing about pidgeon (which I do not speak). But seriously, I think it's funny. It makes me lol.

Ambie said...

True my dear friend I do speak in text to you but this is not something that is public knowledge... until now . Hey did you throw out the "Always Tardy" shirt yet?

ray said...

My "Always Tardy" shirt is a thing of my pre-30 past - unlike your pants with words on the butt, handed up from you teenage sister. That's better than coming from your teenage daughter, I suppose.

Ambie said...


Tim said...

If you're gonna wear a pant-and-shirt combo that is going to part when you lean forward, then you should be wearing something underneath that is meant to be seen. If it's holy, than it should not be seen at all.

Happy The Man said...

What's the deal with women and tattoos??? I think they're so "wife-beater" on men, but on women, yikes!

This was a very funny post, especially the finger-pointing comments back and forth!