Saturday, April 19, 2008

The 5 grossest things I've done in my life

WARNING: Those with weak stomachs may want to skip this one.

5. On a whale watching trip with my 5 and 3 year olds in Alaska, we were served a greasy lunch of fried halibut and french fries. Then we hit open water. The kids heads started bobbing back and forth and my son said, "mommy, my tummy feels funny." Not 2 seconds later my daughter, whose head was on my lap, gave us a rerun view of her lunch which triggered a copycat performance from my son. All I could do was laugh hysterically because jumping overboard was not an option.

4. I was watching my friend's daughter when I also had a 13 month old who was fascinated with the toilet. Apparently my friend's daughter is scared to flush the toilet because of the loud sound. Put those two dandy facts together and you get my toddler walking into my room smelling like an outhouse and looking like she'd rolled in the mud. Man, if only it could've been mud. It's one thing to clean up your own child's waste....

3. My 2 year old emptied a jar of betta fish food into the bathtub. By the time I'd discovered it, it had had time to soak up water and swell into a mush of stinking mess. I have sensitive drains so I had to scoop the putrid mush out.

2. My 18 month old son had a serious blowout diaper at Costco. I had to slosh his clothes in the Costco toilet. I don't know if they were cleaner coming out than going in.

And number one....


1. I woke up in our house in Maui to the sound of my son's frantic voice saying, "they're everywhere!" and stomping sounds. What I found were fat, white maggots travelling at alarming speeds all over the kitchen and living room floor. Here is what I learned from this experience. You can't stop maggots by spraying them with cleaner or even bleach. It only makes them go faster. Maggots don't necessarily need dead meat to thrive. Maggots feel an irresistable urge to go places. Maggots pop and explode like huge zits when you squish them. And, the exact tactile experience of repeatedly squishing maggots gets ingrained in your memory FOREVER! I will never eat haupia (Hawaiian coconut jello) ever again.

14 comments:

Ambie said...

ha! I knew eventually you'd make it around to the "potty" humor.
You forgot to add to the list the time Tim peed on you.... Man .. I know too much about this family and somethings I will never be able to erase from my mind.

ray said...

eh. I was 6 years old and at the beach. Not nearly as gross. Especially not after having kids and being in some serious pee. Gross reaches all new levels once you have kids.

Mama Mia said...

Wow...I can't think of anything that gross...hummm! But I do think it is gross that you clean your toilet with your bare hand...I haven't figured that one out yet...am I mistaken...not a brush or a cloth or a sponge??? Love ya!

The Ivey Family said...

Are you talking about me in the "My sister has a friend..." thing??? Josh has licked carribou brains!! They were still warm too!! eeewwwww!

ray said...

uh.., yeah, the toilet thing. Yes, I do use a rag, I have fingernails after all. I guess it's just a "thing" I have. Toilet brushes really gross me out. Maybe I should look into those disposable ones. In the meantime, can I make you a sandwich?

Heather said...

Please tell me your friends daughter was not Kimbo because I know you watched her a time or two and I also know that she was afraid to flush the toilet AND I was very sick and preggo so you may have told me what had happened and I don't remember this situation. Those maggots made may stomach turn!!! Any woman who can clean toilets without gloves is my hero!!

ray said...

No worries, Heather, it was not Kimbo. My older two kids are so bad about remembering to flush, not because they're scared but because they just forget. very gross. So I'm very understanding of kids that don't flush. I'm just grateful I no longer have babies that reach in the bowl!

imme said...

Ray - your blog could consist solely of the gross, humiliating, scary, heart-warming, hilarious, etc. everyday experiences you have with your kids. Like Christian said, various of your friend's kids do this or that, but your kids are the only ones that do it all. I could write a book on just the things I've witnessed as a bystander while on the phone with you - ex: "Hey kids, is this throw up? Why is there throw up in a Wal-mart bag here on the living room floor? Maybe its not throw up - no it is throw up ....." etc. etc.

ray said...

So glad you joined us, Em. sadly, yes. My children make other people's "spunky" kids look like they're in a coma. I will likely share more experiences for the amusement/horror of all, but I run the risk of getting investigated by CPS or at the least, just looking like a really bad parent. I'm just keeping the college funds flexible so they can cover medical expenses, therapy bills, or bail as the situation demands.

Ambie said...

Don't worry Rae, I don't think anyone would ever want to remove your children.What would they do with them? Alex has tried to turn you in a couple of times already.

The Slackers said...

I laughed until I couldn't breath! I'm glad I'm not the only one who has had kids do this sort of thing. Just wait til they get older, there are a whole bunch of new gross things! Oh, blog address change. I think you can just click on my name?

Tim said...

Man Ambie knows a lot about our family! During a family reunion activity on the north shore of Oahu, my poor cousin Elliott who was about 6 or 7 at the time, was unlucky enough to get stung by a blue bubble (Portugese man-o-war). His luck grew even worse, as he quickly found himself surrounded by 5-6 male cousins volunteering to provide the only remedy that takes away the sting...

ray said...

I don't remember being stung by a blue bubble when I was 6, tim. A fluid ounce of prevention?

Yes, it is a little scary how much Ambie knows about our family. Of course the blackmailable information flow goes both ways....

Ambie, what was that little bottle I found while cleaning your bathroom....?

Ambie said...

um... no comment