The Banana Meets Pigeon

It happened at church. A lady approached me and said, "ayy! Dassa cuute skaht! Where you wen get it?" I blinked once, thought fast and said, "um, the swap meet." She replied, "fo real? Which was da kine?" "....!", I relplied. It made me think of the line from "Finding Nemo" when Marlin says, "You're awfully cute but I have no idea what you're saying." I have been living in Hawaii now for almost a year and despite visiting my grandma and aunties here all my life, I've had quite the culture shock. It's not just about being in a unique culture, it's being in a unique culture when you look like you belong in it. Everyone who has travelled abroad knows what it feels like to look, speak, and act differently from everyone around you, but it is a much stranger experience when you speak and act differently but look the same as everyone around you.

Being 100% Japanese and raised in the US, I've always had a sense that my insides don't really match my outsides - through such experiences as having a girl in middle school ask if I spoke English or having a little old lady start chattering in Korean to me in a grocery store then flipping me off when I told her I was Japanese. But this mismatch becomes the most apparent when I travel to Japan and all around me people assume I know what's going on when I'm totally clueless. I had a cab driver talk endlessly to me even after I explained that I couldn't speak Japanese. Maybe he was testing me by saying things like, "I can't believe you fit your fat butt back there!" Who knows?

So here in Hawaii I get pigeon spoken to me much more often than my haole (white) husband even though he understands it much more readily, working daily with local construction workers. So I guess I have two choices. I can go through life half-confused and constantly explaining that "I'm not from around here", or I can learn to understand "da kine" and "feel da kokua" of those around me.

aloha!
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No Slanted Eyes? Put Down The Rice!

Consumer fads have come and gone. Remember Cabbage Patch Kids, Tickle Me Elmo, Pokemon Cards? During these times, frenzied mobs of smitten consumers stormed the stores, knocked down old people and small children in their way to get their hands on whatever the object of the fanaticism was. Well, there's a new global consumer fad that's gripping shanty towns and grass hut lean-tos everywhere. The new must have item? Rice. From Haiti to Mozambique, from Peru to Vietnam, people are storming the gates of stores, supply houses, and government buildings to get rice. The US is not immune to this latest craze either. Grocery stores are seeing an increase in the demand for rice and are having trouble keeping it stocked. Trust the general public to get caught up in a fad.

Now, I've eaten rice every day of my whole whole life. I eat lasagna and steak and spaghetti sauce with rice. I depend on it like some people depend on coffee or oxygen or Oprah. If you want to see serious rebellion, come to my house before dinner time on a day I forgot to make rice. So I'd like to say to these band wagon, Johnny-come-latelys, If you HAVE to follow the crowd and get "into" rice, buy the Minute rice or Uncle Ben's, but leave the REAL stuff for the serious rice connoisseurs.

Domo Arigato!
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Sympathy for Ms. Hannigan

Could you do me a big favor? I am just wondering if you would mind driving Whitnie to the store for some tampons. She wants the plastic applicators(scented)not the cardboard.That would be so cool if you could and what's really neat is that Whitnie can tell you all about why cardboard applicators are so uncomfortable just like she told her dad.Oh and while your there, would you mind picking up some Midol? Whitnie, Pennie and Star all start at about the same time and they all suffer from various pains and roller coaster emotions.Thanks so much! You are a savior, real decent. When you get back it would also be great if you could hang out and break up any fights that might erupt.
I'm pretty sure Star borrowed Pennie's mascara today without asking her. Star is feeling pretty emotional today too and is sure to need a good cry, along with Olivia ...and Whitnie and maybe Alexa, if she's tired.So give lots of hugs and reassurances. If Pennie gives Whitnie a dirty look, Whitnie might get really angry and violent, so you'll want to try to diffuse the situation before it gets out of control. The teenagers really don't like doing chores so if you could pitch in that would really be doing me a solid.Be sure to help Olivia with her ballet bun too because if it's crooked she'll cry at dance and when they get home from dance they'll be wondering where their dinner is and might be a little sulky if they have to wait, so you should probably get started on dinner pretty soon. Oh and Olivia doesn't like meat or vegetables and don't bother trying to make her eat them or she will surely cry, Alexa only likes meat, Pennie won't eat at all, but try to encourage her so that she doesn't develop an eating disorder.Whitnie likes to use this time for voicing any complaints she has about almost anything so try to listen intently and be empathetic, because if she thinks your not listening or that you don't care, this can lead to a crying guilt trip from which you may never recover. Although the girls will be tired from dance, they usually will avoid going to be and will instead follow you around the house whining about something or other being unfair.You'll have to firmly insist that they get some rest and you may have to repeat yourself four or five times. Remember that even though they might be looking at you, they won't actually hear or obey you the first ... second... third.. or fourth time. The little girls like to have their hair braided and Olivia likes her back rubbed with baby lotion, and all the girls need about 5 minutes each of hugging and kissing before they can sleep. Again thank you.I know you can do this, you are just the type of patient person that can handle this and it makes you feel so needed too. After the girls are asleep, the phone will only ring 6 or 7 more times in the night. It's usually Mitchell, Tim, or Collin for Pennie or it could be Gerald for Star, or Durante for Whitnie.Take a message and be polite, it's really upsetting to the girls if you aren't and they might think you don't like their friends or that you favor one over the other.You are welcome to sleep in the guest room, unless Olivia wants you to lay by her,oh and Whitnie usually wakes up with cramps about this time of the month. Thanks again your a life saver. If you need me I'll be in the hospital giving birth to my seventh daughter... don't call.

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Environ(mental)

Treatments are now being developed for individuals who have become paranoid and extremely worried about the carbon emissions they are creating(cough,cough).Thankfully there is now help available for those who feel they are personally responsible for "global warming" and are letting it disrupt their ability to function in their daily lives. More than 120 therapists are now listed as authorities in the field of Ecopsychology, also schools such as Lewis & Clark College have created psychology courses on counseling patients such as these .Currently the only help available for these people is voluntary extinction.There is no

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ADD Titles: How Book Titles Have Gotten so Long They're Really Just Short Summaries Because Authors Are Desperate For Readers' Fleeting Attention.

It's the latest fad in book titles. A title, a colon, and then a short description of the book. Take for example the new release, "Hungry Girl: Recipes and Survival Strategies for Guilt-Free Eating in the Real World", or "The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids". Why all the massive verbage in the top line of a book report? Simple. Authors, skilled and not, are adapting to the twenty-second-commercial audience that gets distracted if the cover of a book isn't compelling. This audience doesn't even take the time to open the inside flap. No more browsing through a bookstore or library reading a page here, a chapter there. This has allowed for the emergence of a new genre of books - books that make you stupider for having read them.

Okay, to be fair the book I'm currently reading is called "Presidential Courage: Brave Leaders and How They Changed America 1789-1989". My husband enjoyed "When Genius Failed: The Rise and Fall of Long Term Capital Management". Both books are well written and cranially challenging. So the length of a title is not necessarily inversely proportionate to the quality of the book. But as books have become a huge industry in the US with the rise of Oprah's book list, the popularity of book clubs, and the growth of bookstore giants like Barnes and Noble and Borders, scanning the New York Times Best Seller List convinces me that the increase in readers has come at the expense of the quality of writing.

Regarding the risk of offending my three-paragraph-post reading audience I shall limit my rant to suggesting more attention grabbing titles for classic literature in the hopes that it will be more widely read. Like:

A Tale of Two Cities: One Man's Harrowing Tale of Survival and Sacrifice During the French Revolution

Hamlet: The Tragedy of Despair in the Face of Treachery and Betrayal

Pride and Prejudice: Battling Preconceived Notions and Class Consciousness in Matters of the Heart


Or perhaps titles should be more accurate to lure their reading audience. Like:

Animal Farm: A Chilling Statement on Twentieth Century Soviet Totalitarianism As Told By Cute And Cuddly Animals

The Count of Monte Cristo: While Money Can't Give You Your Life Back, It Sure Goes A Long Way Toward Revenge

The Odyssey: Ticking Off A God Can Delay Your Trip Home, But You Can Meet Some Hot Babes Along The Way


Of course some books, even classics, are best left with ambiguous titles or else no one would read them. Like:

Mrs. Dalloway: Whatever Pops Into my Head While Planning a Party

Catcher in the Rye: Angst, Angst, Angst

Oedipus Rex: Why Incest is SOOOO Wrong


And so we conclude, gentle reader, that more than ever, great care is needed in choosing what we read but more importantly, remember to always read this blog.
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Americans - "car = good : mass transit = bad"

For anyone who has spent any time on Oahu highways, you know that traffic is a MAJOR problem. The mayor is pushing to get a mass transit system built but there is major opposition to this in the public. You may wonder why people would prefer to sit for hours in traffic rather than zip by on a train. Why, as gas prices rise like Jimmy Hendrix fans on yeast, people would rather guzzle gas than float on magnets. Well, fear not. I've discovered the issue:

Americans are in love with their cars.

Actually, "love" is too noble a word. Americans are so fixated on their cars that if cars could somehow snub us, we would start stalking them and they would have to get restraining orders against us but that still wouldn't keep us from worshipping and obsessing over our cars.

There are many reasons why Americans suffer from "carlust" and why mass transit rarely succeeds.

The car was invented in America and is as much "our baby" as baseball, grandma's apple pie, reality tv, and protesting.

A car represents freedom. We don't like to be constrained by and at the mercy of bus and/or train schedules. People hyperventilate at the thought of not being in control of their own motor destiny.

Americans love stuff. Judging by the size and variety of boxes at Costco, we buy every gadget, appliance, gizmo and wingding invented, ironically, to "simplify" and "facilitate" our lives. Without a car, how could you get your fondue fountain home?

Americans love to sit on their butts. Finding a close parking spot is a HUGE priority. Losing the remote is a HUGE inconvenience. Having drive-up windows at restaurants, pharmacies, even dry cleaners, is a HUGE plus. Do we wonder why our butts then end up HUGE?

A car is an American male status symbol used to attract a mate and therefore propagate the species. A man without a car is immasculated. Girls, think about when a guy took you out on a date. He knocks on the door. You smile, walk out and start looking around...

Americans don't want to live where they work. We love to own land - real, solid, dirt-packed land, not a floating cube of space in midair. We therefore need something more than legs to get us to the cube of space where we work.

Given these reasons and the alarming way Americans run up the credit, it will take more than horrific traffic, $4/gal gas or more, or global warming guilt trips to get us to break up with our four-wheeled friends. Even if science does manage to invent the "trekkie" transporter, we Americans will happily be driving the obsolete streets in our cars. At least there will be less traffic.
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The 5 grossest things I've done in my life

WARNING: Those with weak stomachs may want to skip this one.

5. On a whale watching trip with my 5 and 3 year olds in Alaska, we were served a greasy lunch of fried halibut and french fries. Then we hit open water. The kids heads started bobbing back and forth and my son said, "mommy, my tummy feels funny." Not 2 seconds later my daughter, whose head was on my lap, gave us a rerun view of her lunch which triggered a copycat performance from my son. All I could do was laugh hysterically because jumping overboard was not an option.

4. I was watching my friend's daughter when I also had a 13 month old who was fascinated with the toilet. Apparently my friend's daughter is scared to flush the toilet because of the loud sound. Put those two dandy facts together and you get my toddler walking into my room smelling like an outhouse and looking like she'd rolled in the mud. Man, if only it could've been mud. It's one thing to clean up your own child's waste....

3. My 2 year old emptied a jar of betta fish food into the bathtub. By the time I'd discovered it, it had had time to soak up water and swell into a mush of stinking mess. I have sensitive drains so I had to scoop the putrid mush out.

2. My 18 month old son had a serious blowout diaper at Costco. I had to slosh his clothes in the Costco toilet. I don't know if they were cleaner coming out than going in.

And number one....


1. I woke up in our house in Maui to the sound of my son's frantic voice saying, "they're everywhere!" and stomping sounds. What I found were fat, white maggots travelling at alarming speeds all over the kitchen and living room floor. Here is what I learned from this experience. You can't stop maggots by spraying them with cleaner or even bleach. It only makes them go faster. Maggots don't necessarily need dead meat to thrive. Maggots feel an irresistable urge to go places. Maggots pop and explode like huge zits when you squish them. And, the exact tactile experience of repeatedly squishing maggots gets ingrained in your memory FOREVER! I will never eat haupia (Hawaiian coconut jello) ever again.
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The "R" Word

The word is being tossed around like a hot and rotten potato. Are we in a recession? Many notables in the economic world including ex-fed chair Al Greenspan say "yes", current chair Ben Bernanke calls it a "slow-down" but can't bring himself to say the "R" word, and others in denial/damage control mode are saying, "we can't tell yet". Why is it so hard to get a consensus here? To take a phrase from the intellectual (but fictional) great Forrest Gump, "a recession is like a box of chocolates..." you don't know what you've got until you've bitten into one. So anyone who has navigated a box of Russell Stovers without a map can appreciate the difficulty in knowing exactly when to say, "yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are in a recession."

By definition, a recession is two consecutive quarters of contractionary, or negative, GDP (gross domestic product). To date, we haven't even had one quarter of negative GDP as 4th quarter of 2007 came in finalized at 0.6%. With first quarter of 2008 just finished and finalized numbers for it still months away, we won't know if we're actually in one until we're more than halfway there. It's kind of a raw deal, if you ask me. It's like having a gas gage in your car that tells you the tank is getting low 20 minutes after you've run out of gas.

So hang on to your hats, people, (and your IRA contributions), because recession or not, we're in for a crazy ride. And if anyone has any suggestions on where to park your money in a bear market with miniscule interest rates besides a mattress in the basement, please, share them here.

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Hey, Village! Fix My Child!

In Park City, Utah a mother, fed up with her 10-year-old son's shoplifting, put him on a street corner for three hours holding a sign that labeled him a thief and listed all the stores that he'd stolen from. The police, apparently, wouldn't take any action because he is too young for juvie. You know, when things like this happen, you have to ask, "Where were the daycare workers?"

The mother's actions back fired though, as this elicited a heated response from the community in defense of the child. Child protective services were called and someone even gave him money as he stood there. I guess you have to pick your village carefully if you're going to depend on it to raise your child.

there is no

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Hilary Gone Wild !

" The more I drink the better you Indiana boys are lookin" !

In an effort to relate to the average American, Hilary shed her inhibitions for one night and got tanked with some average Joes at “Bronko’s Bar in Indiana. It’s so nice to see a possible future president willing to lower her standards to better identify with the average “bar going American”.

Shortly after these photo’s were taken, Hilary was in the bathroom throwing up with the average “unable to hold their liquor” American, and was later spotted topless, doing a keg stand at a frat party identifying with the average “college party animal” American.

By the end of the evening she was passed out in an alley with a group of average “homeless alcoholic” Americans.

Hillary, stop trying to be Bill.


there is no
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